Same dreams, different roads

Okay, so it's been a while since blogging. Back to the Portland life the last few months. Yes, Gresham in all it's middle-classness and Mexico to the East, Don Pedros, what would I ever do without you? Portland and it's cheap sushi, Powells Books and whatever other cool places there are to the West. Work in North Portland and church up North across the river. Further out in the different directions are roadtrips to forests, mountain, ocean and all that good stuff. Northwest is a decent place to live, despite it's spiritual problems.

Two jobs are lame as usual. Hours are cut at Bullseye Corp and United Parcel Smashers is mundane. I find myself unloading trucks when it gets slow at the belt I work at, because I'm so bored. I still wait for a decent position as I build seniority. I realize work tends itself to smalltalk, but I think it's the most boring thing in the world. Still I have to think of something to talk about with the guys at men's meetings or church, since I can't demand everyone share my interests in medieval weapons or Wagner.

Church now meets in Camas, after a merger with Family Bible Church. So though I've had to do a lot more driving across the river, worship lately has been really good, and things are flowing much better. The plan is to send a team back into Portland to plant a church in the SE Woodstock area, while we set up a house of prayer in Camas. Big new plans, big new dreams. So we got purple haired college-kids on one side of the river, and hillbillies with shotguns on the other. I talked to Pastor once about my frustrations with Sunday church as usual, and he agreed. Perhaps things will start to change with the house of prayer mentality. Though it seems like a huge undertaking. When asked what I knew about training musicians for that, and setting up shop or whatever, I was really in unexplored territory. Most of what I know is the usual Gap pop worship training, how to play old Metallica licks, and a bit of medieval music history and classical. Though I do know the basics of the ideas of the spiritual pancake restaurant and the Omega-Code and all that good stuff. Let's see, you sing old 90s renewal songs and then chant like monks over and over again with rock'n'roll music. And when you pray you just gotta learn how to talk in an Irish accent and talk about justice a lot and quote anything from Song of Solomon that's not too sexy for church. Hey, I think I've got it.

I'm not leading worship as much, and it's too stressful these days anyway. But I do play regularly and help with the instruments, rhythm, and theory and all that good stuff. We have a decent band, and though I sometimes want to throttle their throats, they're good kids in general. And after seeing the Encounter service I see how far they've come. Much of my vision was to see those kids rise up, and it was being fulfilled right before my eyes. I asked Pastor, "Who are these guys?" When he said that's my handiwork, and I'm like no way, God had to have a hand in that one, where I fall short.

Martial arts has been getting better as I take another class at the college. It's something I just steadily work at as I improve myself little by little. I can't even imagine wimpy life beforehand, though I know I've got a long way to go. It's good stuff, and I encourage anyone to take it up. Guy or girl, booknerd or jock, it helps anyone who's willing to work at it. Get in shape, develop confidence and discipline, defend yourself, learn to focus, and have fun at the same time. All good stuff you know.

I've hit the home recording studio once again. Arrangement ideas come at me fast. Pro-tools was frustrating me to no end, but now with the additional harddrive it's behaving itself better. Plus I'm learning Pro-tools at the same time, a nice skill to have. The thing is my dreams are still wrapped up in music, and it's not something that just goes away with time for me. I heard someone say, I should get it out of my system while I'm single. Um...I don't think so... I'm coming from a different angle entirely. I know some wonder about me so I'll make it clear that yes, of course I do want to get married eventually. But music is life to me, not just a creative hobby to do while I'm young and single. It's more important to me than nice houses or cars or anything else that many people consider real life. Some are called to this or that instead and that's cool, but I'm called to this. And now while I have more time, this is the time to pursue it. This is my calling from God, and it's frustrating when people cast me off as a starving artist chasing the moon. I will now shut out any voices casting doubt like you can't ever be successful in music, cuz it's so hard to get in the field, blah, blah, blah. The problem is I listened to those voices in the past and so have never had the drive to try it. You don't need a degree in statistics to figure out that no matter how small a chance, the probability is still greater if you try than if you don't. You want to have abort your own creative dreams in the face of life, fine, but don't mess with mine. I'm not saying that I should forget responsibilities or that I shouldn't grow in certain areas. But whatever path I end up on, whether or not I pursue other avenues or careers, if I ignored music, my life would be empty. Music is life whether or not it's used in a career, a side job, or a simple ministry. It's that way in my 30s and it will remain the same way throughout my life, whether I'm single or married, young or old, rich or poor.

There's an old Van Halen song that says to save all the tears you've cried, cuz that's what dreams are made of. Okay, I know, cheesy buttrock, yeah yeah yeah, I don't care, it's at least better than that John Mayer crap you hear nowadays. If one can hold back that post-grunge cynicism just a bit and just enjoy a good song. It's tough when I had certain dreams in the past, and yet they aren't fulfilled in the way or the timing that "I" want them to be in. You know even theology plays into it as I used to think the world would somehow get better and endtimes were more or less ignored in church. But now I know as the end approaches, things get worse, but it's not doom and gloom, because the church will shine more and more and will conquer after it all plays out. And my life will play into that grand scheme somehow.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the change in my own church's direction as well, but I do know church is going a lot better and my own struggles in my relationship with God are my own, and not to blame on anyone else. Spiritually, it's been back and forth, and to be honest, IHOP seems like a distant dream like in Psalm 42. I think I do worse when I'm not pursuing music or if I get lazy by skipping too many of my usual workouts. People might've looked at me as this or that, when I led worship a few years ago or whatever. But I have to say I'm not the same person I was then, for better or worse.